You can't judge a book by its cover...

These last 24 hours have been so full of sorrow. The greatest teacher and one of the most brilliant men I've ever known left us around 9 pm last night. Rachel had called to tell me at 11 21. I still have the time on my phone. I didn't want to believe her, I didn't. I told her it wasn't true and hung up on her. And I sobbed my heart out. I sobbed until I felt sick and threw up. I was a sobbing, puking mess. I had -never- cried this hard over anyone's death except for my father's. Because Mr. Eleazer was like my dad. He was like a father to all of us. He didn't marry, didn't have children, was an only child. We were his family, his children. Last night, when I found out, I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe, my mother tried to restrain me and keep me in my room, dragging me outside. They said they would take me to a doctor if I didn't stop, that I was overreacting. They made it worse. Today felt like a dream, as if I'm going to go to sleep, and he will be there in school tomorrow when I go. We made a memorial shrine in front of the glass case he used to stand. The Senior class laid down their calculators, brought flowers, pictures, I hung up the article in the school website. We put everything in the case along with the toys we put in his room, the Whataburger numbers we would steal for him, and three big posterboards The Seniors and a few Juniors signed. There's a carnation arrangment of an A with wings and a halow, and Mr. Eleazer's picture was in the middle. In the morning, a lot of the Seniors were in the library, and Mrs. Whit had the gall to bring in these couselors that we didn't know, didn't know him, and just kept talking. We didn't want them. Didn't need them. We needed him, and each other. We comforted ourselves by telling funny stories we remembered, inside jokes that were shared. We finally found out his middle name. He would never tell us, and promised to on graduation night. And I'll never forget it. There's this one quote from him I'll never forget. When he would get after us for not understanding something, he would always say. "Children, it's not about memorization and regurgitating, it's a bout knowing the formula and following the steps." I love it. It sums up life. I'll miss him more than anything, we all will. And we will all never forget the greatest math teacher in the world.

Alright. So. The topic today: Ignorant A-holes who either look too far into things or are waaay to closed-minded for their own good. It is an organization known as Parents American Religious Organizations Defending Youth, or P.A.R.O.D.Y. I was shown a certain webpage of theirs by a friend, and was asked what I thought. Well, these people are idiots. They bash subcultures, religions, and relate everything to drug use and Satanism. Take this for example; they bash the Gothic subculture and say "What are the worst dangers that threaten our children today? Satanism? Drugs? Homosexuality? A culture of violence? Heat exhaustion? What if there was a danger that included all of these? That danger is here, and it’s name is GOTH." That was the introduction to the webpage. Then it leads to another page where it lists telltale signs of Gothics. I found this hilarious because, well, here are some things.

Sleeping too much or too little
Eating too much or too little
Takes drugs
Wears rock T-Shirts
Has piercings or tattos
Wears black clothing
Kills people for fun
Stays up late at night and/or drinks blood
Watches cable
Is secretive
Complains of headaches, boredom, nausea, stabbing pains or thirst
Uses a computer or the Internet
Smokes clove cigarettes
Owns more than one cast-iron cauldron
Dances to music
Uses the blood of Christian babies to inscribe pentagrams or other symbols on churches and schools.
Eats GOTH-related foods such as Count Chocula breakfast cereal.
Pursues dangerous cult religions such as WICCA, SATANISM, HINDUISM and BUDDHISM.
Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.

That's only half of the list. These people, are just plain mentally retarded. I'm at least 2/3 of that, and I'm certainly not gothic. These people are just finding anything and everything to complain about, when if you get right down to it, they're complaining about teenagers in general. Personally, I think the whole using the blood of Christian babies bit is a bit too far. But hey, these people obviously have no life. Now then, yes, the name is Parody, which means that this particular organization could not be true. But the thing is, there are actually people out there who believe in these things. And it's not the downfallen youth who need help, it's the ones who read websites like this, real or not, and believe every single freaking word of it. It's. Just. Plain. Stupid.

P.A.R.O.D.Y.

Today's been very good for me. I got my first acceptance letter, hopefully not the last. It's to Montserrat College of Art in Beverly, MA. It was my safety school, but nonetheless I'm still excited that someone deemed me worth enough to attend their educational institution. I'm kind of drifting in a daze/high, but this daze was caused by excitement mixed with a migraine. But it's kind of like a dull stinging, and right now I don't care. I'm happy, and that's all that matters.

So, I'm on my computer, right? And I'm going through my T-mobile picture albums, cleaning it out and organizing and whatnot. And I see this picture of Pamela, and I'm looking at it for a moment. It's this not-so-recent picture of when she was at a quince I think, and she's wearing a white dress with a black jacket. So I'm looking, thinking to myself how much I miss her, and I see something shiny underneath her hair. I zoom in, and it's the necklace I bought her. It's not fancy, just a thin chain with a heart that dangles. Now, my heart and mind are at odds with each other. My heart's spirits soar, and something inside me realizes how much I love her. But then there's my mind, and it's that part of me that almost makes me cry. Because I wanna talk to her more, but she just doesn't. I mean hell. I talk to my ex-girlfriend more than her. It scares me. Someone a few days ago told me that I could have any girl I wanted. And I thought about it, and not to sound overly conceited or egotistical, because it took me a lot of pondering on this subject to reach this conclusion, but she may have actually been right. I mean, I have a lot of great friends, and a few of them like me more than just a friend, but I've always known where to draw a line. And it scares me, because I finally know what Pamela felt like when her friends would hit on her. I just want to be with the one I truly love, and just be alone. I don't need anyone else. Just her. I mean come on, let's be serious. How many times have I had an opportunity to be unfaithful with people more than willing, and I've never done it. If I go through life forever known as a liar, I wouldn't care because I at least would have that truth always with me. I can hold my head up high and say I've always been honest, loyal. I may have tripped along the way to where I am now, but I'm here. And I'm always going to be loyal to my girl. Because I've realized I'm never going to stop loving her, she's the one I wanna be with. I just have to learn how to compromise with her, and I'm trying. For her, I'd do anything.

Just 10-15 minutes ago me and my sister were driving home from my grandfather's house. Just as we were approaching our block, I saw an airplane in the sky. Only one thing was wrong: It wasn't moving. I stop the car and watch it a moment; it was too bright to be a star. After a little bit it began to move. It would go up, then down, then up, then turn, it was weird. I wanted to see what it was so I followed it a bit. After two minutes, it disappeared behind a cloud, it was very cloudy out. We looked for 10 minutes before giving up and going home. I'm not saying it was a UFO, but I'm not ignorant enough to say we're all alone. I don't know what it was. I was instantly reminded of my old nightmares of the UFOs that would invade. We would be followed, forced to hide lest their searchlights catch us and we be killed. It didn't even look like anything, just a bright light, I thought it was an airplane, but no blinking lights. Odd.

Alright, so I'm sitting here, on the phone with Pamela, and I think I've figured out why my stomach is all in knots. I actually told her what was wrong with me, instead of bottling it up, instead of hiding things, I decided I wanted to actually let her in my life and know things that are going on. And she was busy looking up music videos. I was on the brink of tears, and her reaction was "Ooh!" and what was because she had found a new one. And I laid there thinking about how much I wanted her to, at the very least, devote a little attention, try and make me smile, try and make me forget all the shit that is plaguing me. And I want that in my life. That's what I want in a person. That's all I want, right now. Please, someone just give me this one thing.

What am I doing up....I don't feel well. "Oh what a tangled web we weave...."

Sooo, today I gave blood. It was a half day during school so I couldn't do it during lunch, and instead prompted to give at 10 30. My "full breakfast" was a bag of Gardetto's and half a Brisk tea. I was dead hoping I wouldn't pass out, but that was the least of my worries. The guy had stuck my vein in a sideways manner, then wiggled it around. To add pain to, well, more pain, he dropped the smaller bag to take samples from and it pulled at the needle even more. It's never hurt so badly before. Afterwards, when he told me to go to the front of the blood mobile, I tried to stand up. Well, I -rolled- off, landing on my feet and tripped over this rocking machine you attach blood to. I immediately felt sick and dizzy, so I sat down. Eventually, I made it to the front where I spent half an hour in a stupor, as if I'd just gotten off a roller coaster and all the blood had left my head. I was so tired, and I found a new appreciation for people in literature who have blood drained from them without passing out. Last time I donate without a full meal.

I finally finished my applications, and I'm about to send the portfolios in the mail. Here's the link to it so you can see what I sent.


Mah Portfolio. :)

So, today was pretty fun. I had woken up around 12, spent a bit on the computer and it was 2 30 when I had decided to take a shower and go to the mall. I met up with some old friends, played DDR, pool, walked around. There were some little middle schoolers with Free Hugs signs who I made friends with, everytime I'd seen them I gave them a hug :D. I found a phone on the DDR machine so me, Vick, Pansy, and Nick went out on an adventure looking for the people who had it (we'd seen them earlier). After a bit, I decide to call the kid's mom and ended up talking to a grandmother. We ended up seeing the guy and gave him his phone and it was all good. About 5 minutes later this guy is sprinting up to me and gives me $10 as a thank you and sprints off into a crowd before I can give it back. So la dee da, couple of hours later I was sitting with Katie and Maria when this guy who's a friend of Nick's jumps in the air out of nowhere and lands on this guy who was sitting at the table and starts punching his head. Being trained in the ways of a mall rat, I got up real fast and stood back to watch. From no where, you heard parents calling out "There are children here!" and some wise ass screaming "This is a place for shopping!" The guy ran out of the mall after being pushed off and I met up with Nick and Steph who were sitting with him and we just laughed it off and went off on our business. There was this girl who was calling out to us and this conversation went like this.
Girl: Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi!
Me: Hi. *smile and wave*
Girl: *smile and waves* Don't say hi to strangers.
Me: *goes over and gives her a big hug*
Girl: *yays and returns hug*
Me: *pulls away with a grin* Don't hug strangers.
Girl: Don't lick strangers.
Me: O.O...*begins to walk away*
Girl: *tackles and licks my face*
Me: *licks back from reflex*
Girl: *bites cheek*
Me: *bites shoulder*
Both: Ow!!
Me:...I'm Nikk ^^
Girl: I'm Host.
Me: Bye!
Girl: Bye!

So yea, that was fun. Then she gave me her number which I found rather odd because I doubt I'd see her again and we'd probably never remember each other. (Random things happen so often that not even really random things are recalled easily.) I met up with another old friend who had changed his appearance from bisexual emo to awesome grundge punk. He gave me a demo and told me to go to a show tonight, so I did. It was at the Compound, I met a lot of cool people and took a lot of pictures, Jacob played great. He plays the drums and his brother without a right hand plays guitar and sings. They're actually pretty good. I'm keeping their demo. I saw another fight and laughed at the drunk punks. So after Jacob played we stayed around for one song of the next band then decided me and Vick wanted to leave, so we did. Picked up some pizza, brought it home and ate it. So now I'm just here, writing this post, and I can't help but feel a quiet calm in my life, which is usually a crazy calm.

Well, I'm sick, again. Kill meh now. Today I wnet to school, and I felt so out of it. I told my mom and made a deal with her; if I stayed in school today I wouldn't go the next day. So yea.

Today in the mail I got a postcard from NYU, I was so excited. You see, with your portfolio you send a self-addressed postcard so that when they receive your portfolio they send you the envelope as a way to let you know they received it all. They're judging my things....really soon. As excited as I am, I'm a little scared. But I know everything's going to be alright. :)